The folks behind the new animated “The Cat in the Hat” are pretty confident they've got the cat in the bag. It hasn't even opened yet and there are onscreen references to possible movie spinoffs for the jet-powered magical couch and The Things. As the credits roll, the titular feline even gets into the act: “Let's go sequel!” He's probably right about that, though — an inevitable franchise born on the back of whimsical, beloved IP that now gets the Marvel Cinematic Universe treatment: Put the fate of the world in the balance, insert a horrific enemy and add lots of things — in this case dozens of Things — until we just want it to end. To quote the book's glum goldfish: “No, I do not like it/Not one little bit.” Directed by Erica Rivinoja and Alessandro Carloni, who also wrote the screenplay, “The Cat in the Hat” is what happens when lots and lots of money gets thrown at a movie with middling returns. (We're talking Taylor Swift cash, courtesy of using her “Shake It Off.”) At least it distances itself from the live-action approach of the underperforming and creepy 2003 film starring Mike Myers, instead using stylized and varied computer animation. Bill Hader now voices the Cat, with his trademark sarcastic, demented and oily approach. The Cat is portrayed with teeth, though, and that's unsettling. We meet the Cat after he's bombed his latest assignment. It turns out he works for a gleaming corporate conglomerate that sends out envoys to cheer up kids at their homes. There's even a human resources department and white-collar cubicles — our anarchic Cat as office drone. Missions here are evaluated on two measures: A hopeful uptick in clients' happiness and the level of destruction left behind. The Cat is good at thing one, but bad at thing two. He faces being fired unless he succeeds at his next task — cheering up two depressed kids whose single mom recently moved them to the city. When he appears, he's quickly pepper-sprayed by the oldest, Gabby, a marching band nerd with huge glasses and a “creative, artistic soul.” She thinks it's a home invasion and wants to call the cops. This reaction is not canon. The Cat has to convince Gabby and her younger brother, Sebastian, to have fun, and if there's any damage, he's stolen a device from office supplies — a clocklike “gobacker” — that can undo the past. They soon lose it. “I can't believe this and I'm a talking cat,” says our hero. Now things click into operatic levels, with a mysterious nefarious creature with gleaming eyes — a cross between a massive bat and a toothy pterodactyl — that is also hunting the device. If it finds it, the “fabric of the universe will be distorted forever.” Yeesh. What happened to: “I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny?” The goldfish is here — Matt Berry, hijacking the movie — as an English-accented, pseudo-Shakespearean actor-y type fish named Waffles. Waffles? And there are Things galore — during the climactic battle scene — yes, there's a battle scene — there must be thousands of Things. But not one rhyme, a shame. The animation is handled wonderfully, with three distinct styles for different worlds. (As the book would say: “My tricks are not bad.”) And the voices are perfectly cast: Giancarlo Esposito as Cat's evil boss, Bowen Yang as an intern and Paula Pell as a landlady all stand out. The messaging is muddled. One is that you should always stand up for a friend. Another is that your parents were, shockingly, once cool. A third is that home is wherever you want it to be. And fourth is making a mess is the best part of childhood. Making a mess of “The Cat in the Hat” didn't have to happen. It didn't have to have a possible rip in the time-space continuum. It didn't have to flood the zone with Things. And it doesn't need a sequel, please.
